“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well-being of others.” - Sharon Anthony
It is important for leaders to assert themselves in a way that does not infringe on the comfort of others, while still getting their point across. Learning how to do this in a way that enables others to assert themselves is key to fostering productive communication and generating mutual respect.
Here’s how to capitalize on the positive effects of assertiveness without encroaching into the negative repercussions of aggressiveness:
8 Goals of Shifting to Assertiveness:
- Relate to others as equals.
- Handle situations objectively.
- Focus on the present situation.
- Retain self respect and the respect of others.
- Increase self-confidence.
- Acknowledge the rights of others.
- Control of own life.
- Full participation in conversations and relationships.
Being assertive means relating to others with less conflict, anxiety or resentment. You become more confident in your ability to handle any situation, which allows you relax and think clearly. You’ll notice others react to your new attitude positively, which will make you even more comfortable and confident.
Most importantly, being assertive helps you take control of your own life. This reduces the feelings of helplessness associated with being passive, helping you build relationships where all parties contribute equally.
Passivity Looks Like:
- Remaining quiet
- Not speaking your mind
- Putting yourself down
- Apologizing profusely
- Making yourself appear physically small
- Hunching shoulders
- Avoiding eye contact
- Speaking softly
- Avoiding conflict and pleasing others at your own personal expense
- Unintentionally giving others control over you
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Honest, open and productive communication is impossible if you’re too passive.
Aggressiveness Looks Like:
- Expressing your feelings and wants as though any other view is unreasonable or stupid
- Dismissing, ignoring and insulting the opinions of others
- Making yourself appear large and threatening
- Penetrating eye contact
- A loud voice that may even be considered shouting
- A desire to win at any expense to others, and to ultimately gain control over them
People who are aggressive confuse respect with fear. This attitude makes others fearful of speaking openly and honestly, which stifles productive communication. There’s a sweet spot where you express and stand by your ideas while fostering an environment of creativity and critical feedback.
How Do You Avoid Aggressiveness?
- Inquire with an open mind.
- Acknowledge their position and that you’ve heard and understood.
- Advocate your position without attacking the other party’s position.
- Collaborate on building a mutually agreeable solution.
- Return to Inquiry (Step 1) if the conversation becomes adversarial.
Assertiveness Looks Like:
- Expressing your needs, wants, and feelings directly and honestly
- Not assuming you are correct or that others will agree
- Others feel safe disagreeing openly
- Your body appears relaxed
- Movements are perceived by others as casual
- You maintain eye contact throughout the conversation, but it is not interpreted as glaring
- Both you and others are able to keep self respect while expressing ideas openly
- You do not have the need or desire to win all the time
- No one is controlling anyone else
Words to describe those who are assertive include: helpful, supportive, shares control, shares information and trusting.
People who are assertive foster an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their ideas, as well as listening to others, without feeling threatened in any way. Assertive people are able to reinforce both their own as well as others’ strengths, which helps group problem solving through communication.
It’s Not Assertive If…
- You don’t maintain objectivity.
- You resort to blaming or shaming.
- You use superlatives (always, never).
- You do not offer specifics and examples.
- You beat around the bush.
- You minimize and apologize.
- You “protect” someone from the truth.
- Your message is unclear.
Remaining neutral is one of the most important elements of assertiveness. In order to be frank, forthright, straightforward and matter-of-fact, maintaining objectivity is imperative.
Common Obstacles to Asserting Yourself:
- Perception of power imbalance.
- Intense emotions like anger and fear clouding judgement.
- Poor self image and feeling the need to be liked.
- Misplaced compassion.
- Indecisiveness.
- Underdeveloped active listening skills.
- Lack of trust, unsafe environment, high risk for those who challenge the status quo.
Remember, the biggest obstacle is your own perception of the situation at hand. Reminding yourself that you CAN overcome these obstacles can have life-changing results.
Preparing Yourself:
If the obstacles seem too overwhelming, the following steps can help to prepare a conversation that will be more effective for all parties:
- Have clarity of purpose.
- Identify emotional triggers.
- Check your assumptions.
- Focus on the positive outcomes.
- Consider the other perspectives.
- Organize your thoughts and back up your key points with specifics and examples.
- Plan for “we” and “I” (not “you) statements.
Conversation Starter Tips:
- “I’d like to discuss _____. And I’d like to start by understanding your point of view.”
- “I think we have different perceptions about _____. Tell me your thoughts.”
- “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more efficiently.”
- “Let’s talk about what just happened.”
Can Gender Affect Assertiveness?
Societal and cultural norms definitely impact perceptions of ourselves and others.
Common stereotypes for women: raised to serve others, raised to be “nice,” assertiveness can be seen as bossiness
Common stereotypes for men: raised to believe that aggressiveness is positive, raised with old-fashioned notion of “manning up” when things go wrong
It’s important to identify, be aware of and (if possible) set aside preconceived notions so everyone can feel comfortable asserting themselves in an effective, equitable and professional way.