They don't tell you this in manager training programs, but there are moments in life when nothing will serve you as well as silence.
Our busy, frenzied, hurry-up-and-get-it-done society doesn’t seem to agree. But we can and should enable moments of silence when they are needed.
Manager Training Programs Don't Teach You to Promote Silence in Business Meetings
Watch what happens the next time you’re in a training session or a business meeting. Every time someone asks a question, there will be a brief (very brief!) pause before someone responds. This will happen no matter how complex the question is, no matter how worthy of time and thought it may be. Sometimes, the person posing the question will be the one most uncomfortable with the silence. He or she will rephrase the question or answer it for the audience instead of allowing time for others to process their thoughts before answering. In a business meeting or training session, isn’t there supposed to be some thinking? Manager training programs encourage new managers to be proactive and speak up, to keep the conversation moving. But if someone is always talking and introducing more new information, how can anyone really think?
Manager Training Programs Don't Teach You the Benefits of Silence in a Negotiation
Professional sellers learn how to pause and allow silence once they have proposed a sale. They know that they can un-sell their prospect by over-talking. This is true in any negotiation, even one as simple as deciding which restaurant you and your partner will dine in this Friday night. Once you put your request on the table, stop talking.
The power of silence in a negotiation is captured nicely in a flashback scene in the movie Godfather II. In this scene, the young Vito Corleone is approached by a landlord who offended Vito by refusing to allow an evicted woman to return to her apartment with her son and dog. The landlord has since learned that Vito is a powerful man, not someone whose request he should have refused. In this scene, the landlord says has changed his mind. He wants to hear he is forgiven and all is well. Instead, he is met by complete silence while the Godfather (Vito) thinks it over. Uncomfortable in the silence, the landlord rushes ahead to sweeten his offer – not only will be accept the tenant back, along with her son and dog, but he will also keep the rent the same instead of raising it. This is met by another uncomfortable silence. Again, the landlord interprets the silence as a refusal of his offer so he talks again, lowering the rent and showing his fear and desperation.
How often do we allow silence to make us sweat? Why do we assume that others’ silence is an indictment or a lack of acceptance? Why don’t we let them refuse or counter-offer before we race ahead? This one-sided approach assumes the worst instead of respecting silence for what it usually is – an indication that others are thinking.
Manager Training Programs Encourage Quick Decision Making Rather than Careful Contemplation, But...
In the heat of a moment, bite your tongue! Your silence can save you from saying something you don’t mean and can’t take back. Use silence to ponder the relationship you have, the value of the other person to you, your own dignity, the way you would feel if someone said to you what you are about to say to them. While silent, you might even use the good old standbys of counting to 10 or taking a few deep breaths. The silence you create to allow yourself to re-center and focus on what really matters is a gift to yourself because it gives you more options than allowing an emotion-driven response will give you.
The Most Important Thing Manager Training Programs Should Teach is How to Listen
Real, true, active listening (which goes well beyond mere hearing) requires you to be silent. When you race to respond in a point/counterpoint fashion, you are thinking about what you will say instead of listening to what the other person is saying. When you interrupt because you hear something familiar, you are not fully listening to what has been said nor to what was about to be said. When you try to fill in all the milliseconds of silence, you are missing the opportunity to listen for context, feelings, and follow-ups. Without meaning to, you might be conveying that you think your own thoughts are more important than the other person’s. A pause that encourages someone to continue is so much more meaningful than your hasty response. A pause that shows you are carefully considering what you’ve heard before you reply means you think the speaker’s thoughts are worth hearing and that the speaker, too, is worthy of your time and attention.
In many ways, silence is golden. Don't give in to the need to fill dead air with your words. Silence can give us an opportunity to form deeper, more meaningful connections with others. Those connections are every bit as precious as gold.
Next Step to Shore Up What You Learned in Manager Training Programs
Deb Calvert is a certified Executive Coach, Keynote Speaker, Certified Master with The Leadership Challenge® and Trainer. She is the founder of People First Productivity Solutions, building organizational strength by putting people first since 2006.
